Miss Piggy Lunchbox

Beware, this awful CD is wearing a deceptive disguise. I had no idea just how crappy it was when it came up on shuffle the last couple of weeks because there isn’t a second of unpleasantness on it, but listening to it as a whole album reveals that it is the most horribly bland, plain vanilla, and unimaginative long player ever put to record.

Here’s a litmus test for awfulness: Can you imagine anybody ever saying, “My favorite band is _____”? If you find a given artist’s name in that blank mind-boggling, then that artist is truly awful. Such is the case for Naked. Speaking of which, why in God’s name would you name your band something that would virtually ensure the impossibility of finding information about you on the Internet. Thank God, though…these idiots deserve their anonymity…or maybe the rest of the world doesn’t deserve for them to be anything but anonymous.

This album is soooooooooo dull…. (How dull is it?) This album is so dull that, disregarding one outlier at 3:42, all of the remaining tracks fall in the range between 4:01 and 4:32 long. This album is so dull the unlisted “bonus” track is a barely indistinguishable version of a track earlier on the album…I think there’s a bit less chorus on the guit and he sings it slightly quieter, which probably passes for an “acoustic version” to these guys. This album is so dull that green peppers have more taste than the lyrics…consider these from “Headlights”: “And dreaming in diesel will last/On a full tank.” This album is so dull that its overly emotional male vocalization to completely unemotional songs makes the same effect when done by Matchbox 20 seem like an aural orgasm.

I hate this CD with all of my being. I’ve had more engagement with Sesame Street movies in the last few weeks. Surprisingly, “Red” is a legitimately good song (“Mann’s Chinese” is borderline), but it’s not enough to elevate the rest of this tripe beyond my lowest rating.

Rating:

Mixers: none
Keepers: “Mann’s Chinese,” “Red”
Filed Between: The Mysteries Of Life (Keep A Secret) and Pete Nelson (Days Like Horses)

Tags: 1 lunchbox, 1997, CD reviews, J-mez' collection, music

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