Seems like Friday’s becoming News-Goes-Onion day on MPL, as here’s another actual news article that I swear could have been taken straight from The Onion.
China manufacturers lace children’s toys with liquid ecstasy
A recent discovery reveals that toys called “Aqua Dots” are coated with a chemical similar to liquid ectasy. When children eat the Aqua Dots (which they’re not supposed to do, but they’re children, after all), they go into an ectasy-induced coma.
I know this is actually a terrible, terrible thing, but in the abstract, where no children are actually being hurt, this is f’ing hilarious.
But wait, we’ve read this book before….
All this follows the recent, astonishing announcement by Nancy Nord of the U.S. government’s Consumer Product Safety Commission (CPSC) that there’s really no need to enhance the safety monitoring of consumer products in the United States. Under orders from the White House, Nord insisted that the CPSC didn’t need any increase in funding, and that businesses should essentially remain unregulated. Nancy Nord, who is now widely regarded as a pro-business Bush puppet, jetted around the world on trips paid for by some of the very same wealthy corporations who don’t want consumer product safety regulations.
And now I feel like an idiot for getting this far into this post…I should have known from the author’s bizarre pic and the jarring anti-China rhetoric up front, but near the bottom this article fully reveals itself to be written by a cult member.
There’s only one person in the running for the next presidential election who even has a shot at reversing this, and that’s Ron Paul.
Followed by this contradictory and unsubstantiated remark….
It’s not clear what a Ron Paul presidency would do for consumer protection against Chinese-made imports, but it’s crystal clear that U.S. consumers would be freer, wealthier and healthier under Ron Paul’s policies than those of any other potential presidential candidate.
Yeah, crystal clear. So now I’m back to thinking the whole thing is completely f’ing hilarious. In fact, I think Obama and McCain both support heavy Chinese ecstasy use by babies. What do we want? Babies doing ecstasy! When do we want it? At tonight’s rave!
