Miss Piggy Lunchbox

This movie sucked.  There were no boob shots and, like, four dick shots.

We made our way back to Seattle on Friday and many of the hilly streets were still unscaleable, seeing as they were covered with never-snow and ice.  We had to take a circuitous route to get home, and then we had to shovel the street outside of our home in order to get the car in the garage.  I’m just thankful we had power, and thus heat.

As far as an official tally, we’ll probably be off again this year.  Never-snow number three came just after we left town and the forecast was that they’d receive more never-snow every day we were gone through Christmas day.  So we’ll just be conservative and count that as never-snow number four for the 2008-09 season and we’ll go from there.

Thankfully we hit 46 Saturday and I can hear the melting taking place outside my window as I write this.  Since I wasn’t able to blog the happenings locally, I collected a series of notable articles while I was away.

One of the big stories was how public transportation was even less reliable than usual. (I don’t know why they bother to publish timetables even in the summer.)

About half of Metro’s 220 bus routes were shut down for a second day Friday because of the icy blast, and even major routes were hit-or-miss.

“I’m surprised they are struggling like this,” said [local idiot] Reb Bangert….

I’m sure Bangert isn’t really an idiot, but seriously, why would anybody be surprised?  You got 13 inches of never-snow in a city that is stubbornly unprepared for two.  What makes you think the buses wouldn’t struggle under such conditions?  I’m sure he’ll have forgotten all about it the next time he has to describe Seattle’s climate to somebody, though.

People did start to get pissed.  I got flipped off by a pedestrian on my way into town Friday night.  He was walking toward me in the street, and I steered to drive around him.  He decided to get up on the snowy sidewalk and flipped me off as I gave him enough room to continue walking on the busy street.  I got honked at a couple of times for trying to let people turn left in front of me.  Seattlites are crazy polite, repressing their pent-up anger to a level that puts Minnesotans to shame, but a week of dealing with an inept urban infrastructure seems to be past their breaking point.

On Wednesday, there was this listing of people complaining about Metro Transit (ie, the buses).  I don’t necessarily have a beef with Metro Transit’s ineffectiveness during the stretch, I mean, not anymore than I do their normally unreliable service, but this cuts straight to the heart of my beef: this is a major city that experiences never-snow every year and there are real societal hardships to denying that fact.

Local Silly Columnist (every paper has at least one) Joel Connelly says in his headline “It’s time to get angry about city’s response to [never-]snow,” then proceeds to get angry in true Seattle fashion, which is to say not really and very politely.

ANY COMPETENTLY RUN city would have plowed out and sanded Seattle’s 34th Avenue by midday on Tuesday, since it is a major escape route into the city for Madrona and Mount Baker neighborhood residents.

Interesting approach, there, since Madrona is probably the ritziest neighborhood in Seattle.  Not a lot of tears shed for those folks who could probably get helicoptered out to go see a movie.  (Disclaimer: MPL headquarters is in Leschi, directly in between Madrona and Mount Baker.)

The 2008 snowstorm has broken the mold. It has, hopefully, frayed our often-unquestioning trust in those city and county officials who regularly ask voters for millions for express bus service and billions to extend the not-yet-operating Sound Transit light rail. With all due respect to the P-I editorial page, the winter wonderland 48 hours after the big snowstorm is neither “relaxing” nor “neighborly.” Our “patience” with City Hall and the courthouse should be at an end.

I read self praise from Mayor Greg Nickels that the city’s response has been “very good.” Former journalists, now working as official flaks, are certain to bury us under a blizzard of statistics — hours worked and pounds of sand dumped.

[...]

Are we maybe too mellow and accommodating in the Emerald City? The political class keeps coming at us with pricey bond issues. With voters going along, property taxes have been hiked, a parking tax imposed, sales tax repeatedly increased, and a plastic bag fee in the offing. [Of course, what we really need is a progressive income tax, but that thought really puts folks in an uproar. -Ed.]

The very least we should ask in return is that social engineers show some speed and dexterity when we do have an emergency.

Other than what I’ve quoted here, Connelly, as he usually is, is all over the map.  At one point he’s upset the bus doesn’t come, then later he’s upset they’re driving articulated buses down certain streets.  I’m sure there’s a point there somewhere about smart use of our resources, but neither Connelly nor his editor is able to make said point clear.  I think if you cut up a Connelly column into paragraphs and then randomly re-arranged them, it would make just as much sense as it did in its published form.

Me, I don’t have a point, nor do I get paid to have one.  I also don’t have an editor.  I’m just aggregating never-snow articles from my absence.

KEN is…

…wondering why his tummy is so upset.  All he had for lunch was a deep-fried, pepperjack-cheese-stuffed, fire-mustard-covered burger with fries, onion rings, and three Hamm’s Special Light.

Mmmmm.  But, ooohhhhh.

The Internet sich is sketchy up here in Canada and our intrepid Senior Weather Correspondent, Beckers, is spending her annual night in O’Hare, stranded on her way to Iowa, so I won’t be able to keep an accurate account of the never-snows over the past few days.

I saw this article, however, on Monday night.

Some [never-]snowfall is expected every day up to and probably including Christmas Day….

And make sure you check out this gem, brought to us by commenter, friend, and Aberdeen native Clay.

…it turns out “plowed streets” in Seattle actually means “[never-]snow-packed,” as in there’s [never-]snow and ice left on major arterials by design.

Make sure you read Clay’s comment, too.  Pure gold.

Using rubber-tipped plows, a de-icer that only works below 32deg (I’m still curious about this - I have a great de-icer for conditions above 32deg)….

We managed to get out of town before another big one hit yesterday.  I-5 sucked ass, 20-30 miles per hour and that was with light traffic.  As soon as we entered Canada, though, the roads were brilliantly dry.  Can we blame the inadequacy of the US (at least in this part of the continent) on Bush somehow?

The storm that hit Western Washington dumped up to five inches of snow in Seattle, more in some nearby cities, closing I-90 pass and causing major problems at Sea-Tac Airport where thousands of people were stranded.

Sunday morning, a coating of ice glazed the top of the snowfall, making driving treacherous on some city streets.

…

The National Weather Service reported five inches of snow in Ballard neighborhood in Seattle, and noted neighborhood blog reports of six inches in the View Ridge neighborhood and five inches in the Ranier Valley. Nearby suburbs including Woodinville and Bothell had four inches of snow, the Weather Service said.. Redmond received 3 inches, while five inches of snow fell on Federal Way. Bloggers reported six inches of snow in Bainbridge Island and parts of Bellevue. Vashon Island and Renton residents reported three inches of snow.

All previous years’ storms forgotten, natch:

Buses were running on a limited schedule, malls were opening and city residents were beginning to dig out of the biggest storms in recent years.

And more is on the way.

Intermittent snow showers and freezing rain are expected Sunday, according to the Weather Service. Residents can expect up to two inches today and ice accumulation of up to a quarter of an inch.

I’m not in town, so I don’t know if that will count as just the end of never-snow number three for the season or if it will be part of number four.  We’ll let Beckers weigh in on that if she’s up to it and isn’t one of the households whose electricity got knocked out.  Thankfully, for everybody’s electricity, the winds weren’t nearly as bad as predicted.

Gee, what should I write about today? Maybe the at-least-five inches of never-snow I shoveled off the walk after Thursday’s nearly-all-day dumping? Yeah, I think that’s it.

It might have been blind squirrels finding nuts, but I guess those patients who cancelled Friday’s appointments on Tuesday may have been prescient after all.

I didn’t have to go anywhere Thursday or Friday, thank God, so let’s just walk through an AP article from earlier this week on Seattle and its abusive relationship with never-snow.

Schools throughout greater Seattle closed Wednesday at the mere threat of snow [sic –Ed.] late in the day, a symptom of the city’s deep phobia of the white stuff and near-complete inability to deal with any significant snowstorm [sic –Ed.].

Let me state here, again, unequivocally, that mocking Seattlites’ skittishness around never-snow storms is not something I’m involved in. Yes, they may over-react here and there, but I can’t say I blame them given the sad state of their infrastructure and the utter neglect they leave their roads in when it does never-snow. The only real problem I have with their reaction is their tendency to drive much slower on completely dry roads when there is never-snow on nearby, but separate, roads. It’s bizarre. Other than that, though, their reactions to the presence of never-snow are completely justified. What really drives me nuts, of course, is their denial of the never-snow’s existence and their stubborn refusal to invest in never-snow-removal equipment.

Even though Seattle is the nation’s northernmost major city, snow [Sic –Ed.]is a rarity here, and the city is ill-equipped to clear the streets of its hilly neighborhoods. Combine that with drivers unaccustomed to driving on slick roads, and snow [sic –Ed.]is a recipe for chaos.

Wrong, Donna Gordon Blankinship. Never-snow is not a rarity here and drivers are accustomed to driving on slick roads, which are caused annually by never-snow and semi-weekly by rain.

Four days after a relatively light snowfall [sic –Ed.], the city was still clearing icy roads in hilly neighborhoods on Wednesday.

If by “clearing icy roads” you mean insisting that it never-snows here and that it never-sticks around so that they don’t even have to try to clear it, then yeah, I guess they were doing that.

Snow [sic –Ed.]is relatively rare and inconsistent in Seattle. Since 1984, annual snowfall [sic –Ed.]at Seattle-Tacoma International Airport ranged from a trace amount to 20 inches in a 24-hour period.

Read that again. “Annual never-snowfall has ranged from a trace to 20 inches in a 24-hour period.” Is there an editor on this piece? Are we talking about annual never-snowfall or the amount of never-snowfall in a 24-hour period? Second…WTF? It’s ranged from a trace to 20 inches in a day? 20 inches in a day is a lot of snow or never-snow. I can tell you that since 1984 the snowfall at Minneapolis-St. Paul airport has ranged from a trace to 28 inches in a 24-hour period. So you’re not really saying much about never-snow’s rarity here with that sentence.  Of course, what do I know, Ms. AP?  I’m just a blogger without the resources of a major news organization to check my work.

Elsewhere in the country’s northern regions, cities are often more blase about bad weather. … In Minneapolis, where snow is a way of life, the schools typically shrug off anything short of a blizzard.

Because they’re hyper-aggressive about cleaning the roads there. Because the state isn’t operating on a pauper’s budget because they have an income tax. Because they own up to the reality of the snow they get there.Because they like dry roads so they can go places.

But here’s my favorite part, what sums up the sheer lunacy of all of this denial. People annually abandon their cars at the side of the road in snowstorms…

Local insurance company PEMCO got into the act by sending out guide [sic –Ed.]on the best way to abandon your car in a snow [sic –Ed.]storm….

…only to deny it ever happens.

Seriously, that’s the epitome of the whole situation…the insurance company is prepared enough to tell you how best to abandon your car in a snow storm, but we aren’t prepared enough to actually get the damn stuff off the roads.

Here’s how I hope that pamphlet reads:

If it’s never-snowing and you think you might be tempted to abandon your car on the road, thereby making things worse for everybody else, think twice about even leaving the house.

First, I’d like to announce I’m moving back to Minneapolis.  Here’s why:

Yeah, that’s right, King Buzzo, lead singer of my fave band, Melvins, was tending bar and selling a limited edition 7″ in my hometown this weekend before doing a show at a bar they play all the time.  Oh, and guess where I was?  I was in Minneapolis at the office holiday party, unable to break away for the 10 minute drive to the show.  Biggest.  Cock tease.  Ever.

Here is the band’s modification of the Grumpy’s logo.

I want that shirt for Christmas.  If I don’t get at least one I’m going to pee in your bed (yes, yours).  Unless it’s also my bed, in which case I’ll put a spider in your bed.  I can’t figure out how to buy them from the post announcing their existence, but still, peeing your bed.

Now, this all happened only a few months after the band released a 3-CD box set named Melvins vs. Minneapolis featuring ten concerts (the third disc is an MP3 disc) all recorded in the Twin Cities.  I found out about it after the 666 copies were sold out and had to get it on eBay (review on the way) as soon as I was treated for the priapism from which I was suffering as a result of the news that there were 666 copies of a box set titled Melvins vs. Minneapolis.

Finally, it’s hard for me to imagine anything that would be cooler than young children and a goat puppet rocking out to Melvins.  Sure enough, there’s not.  I checked.  This is the Greatest Thing Ever.

The entire vid, which features the passive-aggressive goat challenging Melvins to karaoke, is hilarious, but if you just can’t bring yourself to give five more minutes to spiritually bonding with MPL today, at least make sure you watch the stretch where the kids rock out while Melvins play from 2:55 to 5:00.  There’s more gold in those two minutes than is in Fort Knox.

For all this, I’m granting Melvins their own category.  Seriously, guys, I’d like to see your favorite band have a year like that.  Suck it, not-Melvins.

Never-snow was in the forecast for this last weekend and My Baby and I were scheduled to be out of town, so, expecting maybe a flurry or two that would be gone by the time of my return Sunday afternoon, I moved frequentest commenter Beckers off the political beat and put her into the weather room, asking her to document any never-snow from the weekend so that we could report it here on MPL, your Never-Snow Headquarters since 2007.

Much to my surprise, I came back to a city pretty well covered in never-snow. Our car had a couple of inches on it and, while some melting had taken place, most places were still overwhelmingly white from above.

Late on Saturday afternoon, Beckers filed a dispatch from South Seattle, wherein she reported that no never-snow had yet been reported, but that light winds had created the annual December power outage (2006’s still makes me shudder).

Of course, the lack of never-snow did not stop the region from experiencing intermittent black-outs in anticipation of a storm. Here at J’s house, we were without power from mid-afternoon to late evening. Just because.

Even the mere mention of never-snow is enough to send our brittle, flighty power system into hibernation. Shortly after that report, however, the never-snow began to fly:

Intermittent flakes turned to flurries. At midnight, the local weather station (a.k.a. my car) registers approximately 1″ of accumulation of the white fluffiness, with snow [sic -Ed.] globe flake conditions.

Continued Seattlusion hilarity noted, though, in that I heard the term “black ice” no fewer than three times on the radio on the way home from the office Christmas party, despite the fact that the outdoor temperature was 33 degrees and the residual precipitation on the road could just barely be described as “slush”. A field test on the exit ramp was negative for slickness.

Also, I learned a new term, “conversion zone” which is, as far as I can tell, a mythical meteorological zone which is the opposite of a “rain shadow”. South Seattle, as well as Lake Forest Park/Shoreline are both in “conversion zones”, and therefore, get more than their fair share of never-snow.

A couple of quick Google searches seem to confirm the mythological nature of this “conversion zone,” and I have first-hand evidence during my plane’s descent that it was not just South Seattle hit by this storm and second-hand evidence that North Seattle had “three inches” of never-snow, though I find that amount incredibly difficult to believe. In four months, though, that report will be forgotten by its reporter, a colleague of My Baby’s, who will insist that it never-snows here. And that’s why MPL provides this service.

We’ve spent just enough time above freezing since so that most of the never-snow is gone. There’s been more forecasted, though. Tuesday the forecast was that we’d see some Tuesday night and then again on Sunday. Beckers reports that during the day Tuesday some of her patients were cancelling Friday’s appointments due to never-snow. Due to the neglect of their roads, I tend to give Seattlites a lot of leeway when it comes to their caution toward never-snow road, while slamming them for their denial of it. Those cancellations, however, are pretty much the height of absurdity.

Welcome to the never-snow season, MPL’s most popular time of year, when we channel our bitterness into laughter at an entire deluded city.

When Pantera burst onto the scene with 1990’s Cowboys From Hell, it was widely assumed it was their first album. It was their major label debut, was awesome, and featured a heavy sound with syncopation that felt like it was being dragged through mud, a sound they would go on to dub “power groove.” To the surprise of most, though, Cowboys turned out to be the band’s fifth release. It was directly preceded by 1988’s Power Metal, the first with lead-singer and lead-bigot Phil Anselmo

The band, with their newly tough image, along with a sickening intolerance (that got worse over time) for foreigners and just about everything not like them, ironically mixed with a load of songs that proudly stood in the face of and shouted down unnamed enemies that criticized them (e.g., “Walk” from Vulgar Display Of Power), always shied away from their early material, calling it glam. Despite it being good musically, and despite its cult following among Pantera fans, you can see why the band has remained steadfast in their decision not to re-release this album. It’s awfully hard to even review the album, much less play it live, with a straight face given its cover, title, and song titles like “Rock The World,” “Proud To Be Loud,” and, I swear to God, “Burnnn” [sic].

I wouldn’t call it glam, though, as there’s very little similarity between this album and the flagbearers of that moniker from this era: Poison, Mötley Crüe, Warrant, and so on. It is, in fact, more similar to the progressive rock of the time by Queensrÿche, Metallica’s early thrash work, and the minor-key-heavy howling of Dokken and Dio. “Rock The World” starts off an awful lot like Queensrÿche’s “Queen of the Reich” and Metallica’s Ride The Lightning is paid homage to with “P.S.T. 88” and “Over And Out,” which recalls that album’s “Trapped Under Ice.” This is all to the band’s credit, as is foreshadowing Dream Theater’s Images And Words, with abruptly shifting rhythms and styles on “Over And Out.” The album’s best track is probably “We’ll Meet Again,” which, if I didn’t know better, with its themes of rejection by a women, could have come right off of Dokken’s Back For The Attack. Their assimilation of all of these influences is positive, but clearly the band was ready to go their own way on their breakthrough two years later, and they start to move in that direction on this album’s “Hard Ride.”

Power Metal, however, also suffers from some of the same shortcomings of their later work, where they would forget to write some songs, leaving speed, brash guitar, and little else. “Down Below” exemplifies that approach here. “Proud To Be Loud” is the album’s song that is too simple, lacking the progressive elements that work so well elsewhere, and cheesy, the lyrics turn volume into an issue of freedom of speech, to be kept. That song’s lyrics, while bad, are about what you can expect from the rest of the album. “Rock The World,” however, takes things to a new low, seemingly written by an eight-year-old in a stream of consciousness style with no regard to what an early event means for the rest of the story: “This force that fights to live/Will fight till it dies/And rise again to save the day.” How convenient.

Still, I can listen to this album from start to finish and only cringe a few times more than I do for the band’s follow-up albums. I’m tempted to give it four lunchboxes, but with only a couple of great songs, and “P.S.T 88,” whose lyrics aren’t printed but, as far as I can tell, stands for “PuSsy tight Tonight,” which is just wrong on a couple of levels, I just can’t.

Rating:

Mixers: “We’ll Meet Again,” “Over And Out,” “Hard Ride”
Keepers: “Rock The World,” “Death Trap”
Filed Between: The Pacers (Strictly For Lovers) and Cowboys From Hell

Now that Saxby Chambliss has extended his reign of evil for six more years in Georgia, there’s one last Senate seat to be determined (besides this Illinois debacle and other appointees to newly-vacant seats, like in New York), and to say I am interested in it would be an understatement.  In my home state of Minnesota, comedian Al Franken, a native of St. Louis Park (where I first lived with My Baby and proposed to her), is in a recount with the corrupt incumbent, Bush lapdog, and import from New York Norm “Nice Suits” Coleman.  It’s the temperamental but noble Luke Skywalker against the Evil Empire, to be sure.

The remaining precincts have now finished verifying their counts, and Coleman’s lead has slimmed a touch from about 215 on election day to about 190 now, as reported by the Star Tribune.  However, as fivethirtyeight.com has reported, we still have to go through the process of dealing with all the ballots that were challenged by campaigns, and that number is so high as to render any count at this point pretty much irrelevant.

Furthermore, ballots are challenged for any number of reasons, many quite frivolous.  I recall reading that Coleman challenged one where the voter voted for McCain and Franken.  So, we really don’t know what’s going on

Anyhoo, if you want to take a look at some of the challenged ballots and vote on who each vote should be counted on yourself, check out the thousands of them online at the Star Tribune’s site.  It’s a great way to kill a few minutes or a few hours and a fascinating look inside democracy and one of the closest elections in the nation’s history